Saturday, June 20, 2009

Finding Joy

When Kyle and I lost our first pregnancy at 14 weeks, the grief was intense. I remember going through a long period of darkness. I hated all the women with bulging bellies I saw on the street. Newborn babies made me cry. When people who knew of our loss tried to console us, we just wanted to run away. When others ignored our pain, we wondered if they cared at all. It was a tough, confusing time.

When Kyle and I lost our fourth pregnancy at 7 weeks it was almost as if the pregnancy never happened. Nobody knew we were expecting. It was too early for the pregnancy to show and we hadn't made an announcement. There were complications from the very beginning and we didn't expect the pregnancy to last. Emotionally I was just grumpy for the first couple of days after the miscarriage. I was so glad I didn't have to go through all the emotional turmoil of our first loss.

Now, as we look forward to Fisher's birth, it is again different. When I first learned of his diagnosis, I wanted to run away. I didn't want to go through the next few months knowing he was going to die either before or soon after birth. Somehow something changed and instead of running away, I decided to enjoy every moment I have with him. It is sometimes difficult to hear a baby cry or think of experiences we will not have with Fisher that we have had with Conrad and Donovan. However, I have found that focusing on the joys we are experiencing with friends and family has made the sorrow easier to bear.

A big hug to all who have cried and laughed with us thus far. Life is full of surprises. One of them for me has been this-that joy can be found in sorrow.

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